Deus, in adjutorium meum intende. Domine, ad adjuvandum me festina.
O God, come to my assistance. O Lord, make haste to help me.
A little bit under the weather and the blog slipped by once again. Sigh.
Let me tell you a story, prefaced by the two following statements:
Not all women who choose to stay home and raise children are rich, so that's a false reason for denigrating those who have means.
Not all women are ignorant of the world around them and events that affect the lives of their families just because they are not "out in the world."
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This is the beginning of a personal story with its own specific life experiences. Others' similar stories will have modifications. However, much could pertain to any stay-at home mother in my generation. You might call this a history lesson. What people had, expected to have, or accepted in the middle of the 20th century was really a lifetime away from what young people today expect.
Part I is a true narrative about the first two or three years of my own marriage. I promise to get to the "work" part - in time.
When I graduated from a Women's Catholic College in May of 1953, I had been engaged to be married since March. It was a common situation for a good many of my classmates. Some would, perhaps go on to get their advanced degrees. some would work outside the home for awhile after they were married until children came along. Still others would, as I did, promise my husband-to-be that I would stay home and raise the children God would send us. Oh, yes. That was the Catholic thing to do and I did not resent it. I even looked forward to having a family to love and to cherish.
At some point, when children were old enough, I hoped to be able to afford classes leading to a Master's Degree in Education. N.B. Before becoming engaged, I had planned to work after graduation to earn and save money until I had enough to take those studies. Forget grants and loans, so generously handed out today. I could never have afforded college at all, except that I had a full four year music scholarship. I was the first in my family to attend college.
It is interesting to watch House Hunters on HGTV. Young couples, usually both working, search for their first home. When I see the nice apartments many already rent together (married or not - a rarity and disapproved of when I was young) I think about my husband-to-be and I trying to find a place to rent in order to move in right after our honeymoon. He and I each lived at home. I was with my grandmother in Encino, he with his parents in Oxnard. He worked in Ventura. We found a place, a little duplex, in Ventura, but someone rented it a couple of hours before we applied. We had not much time to look. We were getting married two weeks after my college graduation! Can you imagine? I had to practice three hours a day for my senior piano and voice recital, to be given with another music major and friend, who also was getting a music degree. Side note: Her minor was French, mine was English Lit. There were exams to take, wedding preparations to make, and travel an hour and 1/2 from my house to the city in which we would be living to get the license and search for a place.
Why the rush so soon after college? Actually, I wanted to work a summer school job until fall to save up some money. Two of my best friends said if I didn't get married in June they couldn't be at the wedding. They were going away for the summer. So - bans had to read three times, marriage instruction was required at church and we had to reserve the church. The only Saturday in June that was free was the one two weeks after graduation.
There was no elaborate wedding. We had not much money. My fiance had been honorably discharged from the Coast Guard in February and was only recently working. My parents refused to help, because they didn't approve (a story for another time perhaps), and also because they hadn't been out of a Japanese internment camp in the Philippines more than eight years and were trying to get on their feet. His parents were in retirement and not exactly flush either. I asked the altar society at Our Lady of Grace Church in Encino, if they would please put white flowers on the altar that Saturday for Sunday's Masses. They were kind enough to do so, saving us the expense of flowers. My wedding dress was actually a ballerina length formal that could be used later and cost $35. One of my high school/college friends sang for the wedding, another played the organ - so we didn't have to pay the church organist and a singer, another kept the guest book, and my fellow recitalist was my maid of honor. Small remembrance gifts were the cost of their help. We were able to afford a small wedding bouquet, corsages for the girls and boutonnieres for groom and best man. We had a wedding cake and ice cream afterwards at my Grandmother's house on the patio. Iced tea or coffee was served. Some attendees, who came from some distance were not happy beause there was no luncheon, but c'est la vie.
We had a three day honeymoon at Lake Arrowhead, California. Our room had a kitchenette so that I could prepare meals in order to save money. We ate out the first night only. It was odd, having a box of groceries in the car on the way to our honeymoon. My husband actually had five days off from work; but we needed to get back and try to find a place to live. We stayed at his parents, and luckily, within two days we learned that the duplex we had seen was still vacant. The other deal had fallen through.
The day we moved in his eldest brother and one-day-to-be-wife helped me clean the place and arrange furniture. My husband had to go to work. The house needed insecticide spraying and kitchen drawers cleared of bugs and sanitized. The bathroom was not exactly pristine, either.
It was one bedroom and bath with tub/shower, and a large open area of living room and kitchen. The kitchen had space for a small table and chairs. At first, however, we didn't have table and chairs. We used a record cabinet my husband had made in high school and two folding chairs for the first few months. Our bed had been his parents'. Our couch and coffee table were hand-me-downs from my mother. We had a dresser of his and a desk of mine. Any new things were kitchen items, bedding and bath towels - our wedding gifts, including of course the ubiquitous toaster. There was no washer and dryer. Few people actually had dryers anyway in those days. There was a clothesline in the backyard and a washboard to do daily laundry. Once a week I was to go to his parents' house in the town south of us, not a great distance, to do the wash, then bring it back to hang on the line. Oh, we did have to buy a refrigerator, that lasted us through several children.
By George, though, as soon as a couple of his brothers had the time, they brought up my parlor grand piano. It was going to fit in that living room or else. We made a divider between the living room and kitchen by hanging a large tapa cloth my husband had brought from Samoa from the center beam of the house.
Well, baby #1 came along the following May and for awhile had its bassinette and then crib in the bedroom. Later we moved ourselves and our bed to the kitchen so the baby (and we) could sleep according to our own schedules. This wasn't easy. My husband worked at a chemical plant and had one week days, one week swing shift and one week night shift. Picture, if you will, trying to keep a baby and then toddler quiet during those odd times, especially with teething, colds, what-have-you.
Number one son was just one year and two weeks old when #1 daughter came along. The bedroom was now nursery for two. The new baby had immediate health problems due to the damp air in Ventura, a seaside city. Her lungs were delicate. We needed to find a different environment. Luckily Southern California had a better climate, and new homes in Orange County that could be purchased with a GI loan. It turned out that most of the people in that tract had similar backgrounds - veterans and their young families. My husband received a transfer to the company's plant in Long Beach and we were on our way to a four bedroom 1 3/4 bath home with laundry room, kitchen and separate dining area, lath and plaster and wood floors. It cost $12,500 at 4 1/2 % GI loan interest with payments of $89 a month. We needed to show $400 in the bank , which my grandmother loaned us from sale of her farm in Missouri, and which we promptly gave back to her when the sale went through. Then came the fly in the ointment. After purchasing the house, the transfer was rescinded. Now, waiting for escrow to close, my husband had to find a job. Meanwhile we stayed with his best friend (and best man) his wife and their baby for six looooong weeks. I don't know for whom it seemed longer, They had a toddler at the time, as well. A job as a diesel boat mechanic was a godsend and we moved into our new home.
The reason for the above long narrative is that today young people look for the latest and best for "themselves" and maybe a yard for the dog(s). The man often wants his "man cave." usually there is no talk of children except "maybe" in the future. We bought four bedrooms, expecting to fill them. And did we ever!
To be continued.
4/14/12
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